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Author Archives: blogsterbill

Recent Life Observations

While taking the train two days in a row, I’ve been lucky enough to notice more shit that I hate. I hate feet. I hate when guys wear sandals. I hate girls with gross feet. We all know about lazy toes. Basically like a lazy eye but when one rebel toe just doesn’t really feel like hanging out with the other nine. But one chick on the train yesterday had the grossest toes I’ve personally ever seen. She had one lazy toe on the left foot but her right foot almost made me yack. Everything looked proportionate until I saw that her pinky toe was basically another big toe. Her foot looked like a plastic fork with the middle prongs broken off. Her foot looked like Bowser’s castle and the princess was trapped somewhere inside. Re-telling this story almost made me puke.

Another story from the train involves a full grown man staring at me for 15-25 straight seconds. I’m usually never sure if I’m staring or being stared at, well, unless its a hot little feminina in which case I’m the culprit. But in this case, I was just jamming to my ipod (T-Swift and Miley) when the train stops at Arlington. I look up to check for some sexy slant outside the train but just see one dude and assumed we had just accidentally caught eyes, no big deal. Look up 5 seconds later and he’s still staring. Awkward. Ten more seconds go by and I see him still peeping. At around the 20 second mark, I just give in and stare back. So we pretty much just locked eyes until the train mercifully left. My two thoughts on him are that he was either a gay weirdo (likely) or he was possessed by the devil and I was unknowingly in Final Destination 15 (slightly less likely).

Last story. My roommates and I had a beer di tourney the other day and invited about 30 kids. If you don’t know what beer di is, go suck an egg. It is an institution in Bingtown and taken way too seriously by some kids, including most of the kids invited by the way. Now these are all old high school friends but people we see out a decent amount so nobody too random. The tourney was fun besides a couple of chumps winning. But the point I’m more worried about is when I talked to all these people throughout the day. Most, if not all of these hamhocks ended up talking to me about high school basketball. Now I was arguably (definitely) the best basketball player ever in my hometown but it got me thinking. What have I done lately? I still have the same job, same friends, a shitty car, no girlfriend and an unsure future. Besides writing this silly blog that maybe 22 people read, I really have accomplished nothing in the last 6 or so years. And this blog isn’t even an accomplishment. It’s a little depressing. I mean I’ve had fun and crushed an estimated 25,000 beers and almost as many chicks (three) but I’m still basically in the same spot. This story isn’t really that funny, just kind of sad. Unless me being a loser is funny in which case keep laughing ya big meanies.

Would it be funnier to know that I wrote this entire blog on the toilet?

BDB

 
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Posted by on August 17, 2011 in Billy C's Mind

 

Random Stuff

~~~ So I might’ve asked some people this before but why don’t we see more birds just fall out of the sky? I mean, humans collapse from heart attacks, strokes, all the time. Why not birds? Do they not have heart attacks? I typed it into Google and the only thing I saw was that most birds know when they are sick so they go under a damn bush to die. I call Bullshit. Same goes for whales. Shouldn’t one whale every once in a while just be swimming along, have a heart attack and just sink to the ocean floor?

~~~ Speaking of animals collapsing, have you ever seen that commercial where the announcer says “Whenever you see an adult collapse, use your hands to press on their chest until help arrives.” The only reason I bring this up is because it says nothing about a child collapsing. So if you see a child collapse, for God’s sake keep walking.

~~~ I’m pretty sure I could have a number one hit song on the radio. Soulja Boy has a G5 jet that will cost him $55 million after its done. He absolutely sucks. His song with that Superman dance has the same beat as the ABC song for children. Look it up. Alter an old song, make up some silly lyrics, slap together a catchy chorus and boom, millions. How much does studio time cost?

~~~ I personally think if the main transportation used in your country of origin is by camel, you shouldn’t be allowed to drive a taxi in America.

~~~ I’ve realized that instead of using a hello or a smiling head nod, some people just say the general time of day. I said goodbye to a friend the other day and all he said back to me was, “Night.” Are people at the point where saying night is more time effective than saying goodnight? Maybe I’m just a weirdo but stuff like this is what I think about daily.

B.D.B

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in Billy C's Mind

 

Stereotypes are Sweet

Racist jokes are funny. Being an actual racist isn’t. I’m no racist because the way I see it, every dude, no matter the race, just wants pussy. So just find your own and don’t mess up another guys hunt for cunt and its all gravy. Female racism doesn’t even register to me because women are second class citizens. But being racist is cool as long as you do it behind someone’s back. Same goes for anything. I don’t care if people talk crap about me behind my back. Like Bobby Boucher’s coach says, “What mama don’t know, don’t hurt her.”

So I will tell you about my recent funny observations of stereotypes. The funny thing about stereotypes is that they are almost always true. Asians really are good at math, blacks love fried chicken and jews are absolutely cheap.

Anyways, I went to the park the other day just to pass the time during work and saw stereotypes in action. Blacks were playing basketball being wicked loud, spanishes were playing soccer smelling awful and whites were playing softball, drinking beer and being unathletic. Obviously I sat near the softball field for safety’s sake because the basketball courts smelled like gunpowder. I’m pretty sure this is how every park in America is set up to prevent hate crimes. I also saw a middle eastern guy running laps with a collared shirt, khakis and grey socks on, which made me smile.

Another funny thing that a friend of mine at work pointed out is how white people love synchronized clapping. Whenever the Red Sox score a run there’s usually a catchy tune played by Akon right after. When they pan out to the crowd (95% whites), pretty much every person is clapping to the beat of the song and white people dancing. This style of dancing is unique to whites and simply includes bending the knees, hands straight up in the air and an occasional hip shift from side to side. No rhythm.

B.D.B

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Only Idiots Have Real Jobs

Ok so with my increasing age, I keep getting asked when I am going to get a real job? My answer is simple; why the hell would I do that? My only responsibility in life is myself. No girlfriend, no kids, no pets. I have enough money to pay bills, buy condoms to prevent more responsibility and I can golf whenever I want so I’m good.

But it got me thinking. What could I do if I wanted a real job? I’m probably going to end up on the PGA tour but before then I’m thinking I could do a few jobs.

1– Cross Country Truck Driver, 18 Wheelers

I know you probably need a special license but I have other qualifications. I drove a packed conversion van from South Miami to Boston in 28 hours without sleeping. I was awake for 38 straight hours, easy peezy. And according to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, hitch-hikers like George Carlin will give you a blowie if you pick them up. Either that or try to murder you. Sounds like excitement either way.

2– Bum

How easy of a job is being a bum? You make up a clever sign and just sit all day holding a cup. And people GIVE you money for it. You don’t need to shower and you can sleep on the job. I can probably look like a bum easy too if I just borrow some clothes from Josh Desieno.

3– Justin Timberlake’s Body Double

Self-explanatory.

4– Stay at Home Dad

Sounds like it might suck but here’s the kicker, no kids. I’ll clean the house, cook dinner, take care of the dog and also watch Drew Carey suck at hosting the Price is Right everyday. But I need to find a self-esteem lacking female. I don’t care if she’s an uggo but if you read my last post, she just can’t be fat. She will probably eventually want kids but I’ll just get a secret vasectomy and make her feel like she’s the reason she can’t get prego. Kill her self-esteem more and make her more dependent on me. Evil? Maybe. A good living? Definitely.

So people, which job should I pursue?

B.D.B

 
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Posted by on July 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

I Hate Fat Chicks

Ok let me start by saying that I am incredibly judgmental and I hate a lot of people. With that said, fat chicks may top my list of hated people. There are few exceptions that are acceptable to be a fat chick.

1 – You’re pregnant
2 – You like “dark meat”, if you catch my drift.

That’s it. If you’re between the ages of 13-40 and want to be sexually active, just don’t be fat. I’m not suggesting you have to be anorexic because that’s gross too but when you put on a pair of jean shorts and see a pouch of belly fat muffin-topping over them, it might be a good time to get a gym membership. There’s nothing sexier than a girl with curves but only in the right places. Put it this way. If someone were to draw your mid-section, make sure it doesn’t look like Michael J. Fox was the artist.

If you come from a family of chubs, you might get some sympathy but meh, not much. Understandably there are some medical ailments like gland problems but for the most part fatness isn’t a genetic thing. If you’re an uggo, yea that’s genetic and you’re allowed to hate your parents. But on the flip side, if you’re an uggo with a hot body, chances are you have a better shot at frogging some dude than a fatty with a cute face. It’s science.

So for any chicks out there that will read this and hate me after, there aren’t any good excuses to be fat. I don’t care if you think models are superficial sluts, if the chunky monkey was buy one get one free, or if its your first year at college, there are no excuses. You don’t need to develop an eating disorder, just don’t eat terrible food and use a treadmill once in awhile for Christ sakes. And for guys, as long as you have money, a big wang or just know how to use chloroform, you have a shot with any chick.

B.D.B

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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