Only Idiots Have Real Jobs

22 Jul

Ok so with my increasing age, I keep getting asked when I am going to get a real job? My answer is simple; why the hell would I do that? My only responsibility in life is myself. No girlfriend, no kids, no pets. I have enough money to pay bills, buy condoms to prevent more responsibility and I can golf whenever I want so I’m good.

But it got me thinking. What could I do if I wanted a real job? I’m probably going to end up on the PGA tour but before then I’m thinking I could do a few jobs.

1– Cross Country Truck Driver, 18 Wheelers

I know you probably need a special license but I have other qualifications. I drove a packed conversion van from South Miami to Boston in 28 hours without sleeping. I was awake for 38 straight hours, easy peezy. And according to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, hitch-hikers like George Carlin will give you a blowie if you pick them up. Either that or try to murder you. Sounds like excitement either way.

2– Bum

How easy of a job is being a bum? You make up a clever sign and just sit all day holding a cup. And people GIVE you money for it. You don’t need to shower and you can sleep on the job. I can probably look like a bum easy too if I just borrow some clothes from Josh Desieno.

3– Justin Timberlake’s Body Double


4– Stay at Home Dad

Sounds like it might suck but here’s the kicker, no kids. I’ll clean the house, cook dinner, take care of the dog and also watch Drew Carey suck at hosting the Price is Right everyday. But I need to find a self-esteem lacking female. I don’t care if she’s an uggo but if you read my last post, she just can’t be fat. She will probably eventually want kids but I’ll just get a secret vasectomy and make her feel like she’s the reason she can’t get prego. Kill her self-esteem more and make her more dependent on me. Evil? Maybe. A good living? Definitely.

So people, which job should I pursue?


1 Comment

Posted by on July 22, 2011 in Uncategorized


One response to “Only Idiots Have Real Jobs

  1. jd

    July 26, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    hahaha i got a few shirts you could borrow..and being a bum is as good as it sounds and people dont care if u get drunk, good times


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